i wish i can take u somewhere far,but i don't drive a car.there are many things we can do,but i don't know where to start.i can buy you the moon or the stars,but i know i'm just dumb.i want to light up some candles and lay u down on the open field so that we can view the silent sky.i can say nothing more.i have not met you yet.please come hear me,which i think you are too far.you will find me,only if you can see the silence inside..

Friday, October 31, 2003

today..was pretty nice til a nasty customer finish off my evening..he got an issue..not nice to vent it on me + very sarcastic..well,bcos of five 1cents..now nobody excepts 1 cent anymore not even the banks..ok! not nice of him to say things like-why don't u take these 1 cents ,make a wish & throw into the wishing well.. i just can't believe it..how rude of him..how nasty ppl can get..i did nothing wrong....so i deserved this huh?

WHAT ON EARTH HE THINK HE IS? I CAN TAKE OFF MY UNIFORM & GIVE A GOOD WISH DAT HE NEVER WISH HE CAME..fU*%! WHAT IS THIS U TELL MEEEEEEEEEEEE?WHAT..WHAT..WHAT..WHAT..WHAT..WHAT..WHAT..WHAT..WHAT..WHAT..WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST BCOS I'M IN THE SERVICE LINE..DO I NEED THIS SHIT? DO I DO I DO I DO I DO I......?LOOK AT ME I'M FREAKIN TALENTED IN SOME WAYS,WHY AM I WORKIN THIS SHIT? HATE THIS DOUBLE LIFE..HATE IT HATE IT..

watever!..the timid me just said thank u..as he walks away..i wish he can get what i said..maybe break his face real nice..i'm not useless..God pls forgive me..everyday i feel so small..i feel i'm nobody..so true ! we r nothing without Jesus..totally nothing..

gonna sleep now..KL here i come..finally a short holiday..i'm so tired being nice..it's me to be nice..i dun like to shout or even argue..dats maybe a problem..never able to voice out..watever! i'm not alone I'm sure Jesus care..i know He feels the pain..thank u God..for this life..& able to walk with u..

Thursday, October 30, 2003

tired as usual..got upset,just realised that my pay ain't much..so feeling crap..so hard to save + me schooling next year! well,i dunno how long me must feel broke & all? i know ca$h isn't like everything..i just hate it when i can't get equipments for rec..then me can't improve..sux!

it's like a open wound with salt..hurts man! everytime i feel this way..me will think of my past savings that was lost..wasted by someone..freakin fed up..feel so used & dumb..

me dun want to be involve this year or so soon..why can't i be happy alone? wats this thing abt chics..? hav = problems..dun have also problem.. so hard to be single..not like there's any potential..i think it's just me..one sided crap! me & my nonsense..ehhhh! watever?

thank u God..i'm alive..another purpose to live cos u care!..oh! me still thinking abt miss B ..she's really hot lor! me thinks of her..i know nothing will happen..it's ok..it's not the 1st time me going thro stuff like dat!ehhhhhhh!

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

i wrote a song..it's pretty done..i sang it,rec it..but my voice..er! not nice..ok lah!hmm..it's a boy being in a dark room..yah! me lah!

broken glasses shattered all over..on the cold floor..in this empty room..in this empty space,i took a step forward & cut myself, thought i bleed..thought i feel pain but i can only feel u..i looked up & i realized that u took the pain for me,u took the pain for me..why?..over & over again..the open wound just get deeper..i hate to face it..i hate feel it..but u took the pain for me..

so true HE took the pain for me,like taking a bullet for ya friend in the war..this gets my eyes wet..i need to stop living by my standard & start living..i'm creating a monster..a machine dat doesn't stop..me killing me..

i'll be fine..just need to invite HIM into my mind,the picture inside my head..the lonely boy in a black cold room..feeling HIm but can't find Him..boy panics & cry..He cry bcos he's afraid..i'm afraid..

Sunday, October 26, 2003

how's it like to wake up feeling angry,defeated & hatred towards life? i can't remember when i was really happy & all..why? God's promises in the BOOK..they r real..waitng for u to claim it..then,why am i feelin shitty..? well,i throw a rock into a pond..on the surface u can't see the rock,but the rock is still there..deep down..it's there..i can't lie..God breaks bondages & curses..hmm..i still face problems everyday..i want to be happy..i hate this condition where by i'm always constantly feeling little about myself....

why? simple..it's a process..no one walks without falling 1st..maybe i'm not looking up..maybe it's just the negative me? i still trying my best..to be happy..to smile to look beyond wats going on rite in my face..i can't deny how i feel..i really want to be happy..i know i can be free..i'm not giving up..i dun want to do so much to save me..cos i can't..i'm weak..i'm on the (lung support machine) u take it away..i'm as good as nothing..thank big J..u gave me hope..u gave me a life..something to look ahead..so sweet..

today me went churching with joe& audrey..speaker was great..very smart way of preaching..the book of JOnah..wah! i'm amazed how powerful this book is..bottomline..how long can we run away from God? we r so weak..so dumb..

cried for a while,alone..so sudden..during icqing ted..realise i'm feeling so empty,lonely..burning with all these feelings..i know God teared with me too..i know HE sees the pain..i've invited Him into my hurt points..i'll take time to recognise the fact HE's in me....

i tried my best..i failed myself..forgotten to luv the boy inside..who just want to be heard..i'm tired..i want to get well..i do..

Saturday, October 25, 2003

when zouk with Shawn B..met up jerome in the evening..bitching about everything..boy! wat a bro..going kl with him.. ha ha ha! to see his future GF..hmm...
sadly,objective not met..suppose to meet 2GF turn out to meet 2 old friends..ended up at a karaoke pub..cheesy place..had a awesome time..i can't believe i was wearing a half skull beeni! super poser ha ha ha! clubbing ain't that bad lah! but still think is a waste!

Thursday, October 23, 2003

today..like any day..woke up feelin hot & all,whether is bad..humid..i guess somethings about me just dun change,i don't get it..wonder why? why am i always the one to say sorry 1st? thats one of the examples..hmm..do i like being use? no way..i think it's just me..

jogged about 4+km..ya! sleep so little..slept at 4am..after suppering wth joe,jerome & josh..a new dude..young boy! i so tired working,job is alrite..just me..i want a long break..so i can get away..rest & not think about me & life!..great to know i'm still alive & kicking..there's a reason why i'm here..?..
man! what a wicked date i hav..still can't get over it..she's so hot..u know Miss B..i enjoyed myself soo much..so nice of her to bring me around to her fav place to dine ..we had beef hor fun+a vege soup! me got her a bottle of creamy honey..to remind her how sweet she is! ha ha ha! me soo lame! it's great dat i've the courage to go out with her!..oh ya! passed her my blyss & vac xine cd! she like it man! this chic so sweet! well well,it was great..u know how gals r especially those really concern ones..they like to give solution to my problems..ya ya! feelin ugly,feelin small..the list go on..

sometimes it's good to listen & pray! how can one walk when they have't fall..? so sad they r not in the place where i got hurt & stuff..not like my problems r bigger..not to compare..i feelin crap most of the time..i'm not hiding it..i know my flaws..i want to be happy,do u think i like being this way? no no no!

ok! cell was awesome today..i led worship..forgotten chords for songs ..hmm..anyway,group was small..but good..

this week,topic is about God's death.He's tryin to say..He didn't die for a loser ..so rite,He died for a winner,how can one say i'm a loser! true,me went thro the silence moment where God is no where..well,i know He died for me whom He thinks i'm someone..i don't even think about me being great or signifcant..well,HE's here to remind me..so touched..so dear! thank u..GOD u r soo beautiful,u gave me a beautiful date + a good time & a lesson learnt..

Tuesday, October 21, 2003

Lastnite was fun man..stayed at Jon hem's place..objective met..did a good recording on jeromes voice! well,futher up the nites was insane..talking about poo,crap=sh%t lah! recorded a song on my cell phone..freaking crazy ,songs about Sh%t & weak bladder boy KEVIN! yes,he pees a lot! ahhh..mainly he can really piss u off! ha ha ha!

we had supper also..recorded an interview on my cell phone..yes! sh%t again..wat a great topic for guys to bond!..watched evil dead..wat a b grade gory show..cult classic,ha ha ha!daren was hanging out with us for a while til 3am..me jerome& kevin left Jon's place at 6+am.

feeling happy to know..me going out with a beautiful gal today..Miss B..wat a corporate lookin chic..thou i've known her for years..this's my 1st time dating her as a friend..hmmm..well,wat can i say..so goooood to feel this way..haven't been feeling like dat for a while..excited i must say..i can't deny my low esteem thingy..me just gonna focus & have a goodtime..really hate to know this side of me..why? am i who i am,GOd made me,not me.. eer! watever!

Sunday, October 19, 2003

Plain sunset launch was great..Reminded me of core club years back..Still see familiar faces,this time I got bodysurfed! After like 2,3 years ago..hmm..I feel for Jon..His granny passed away the day b4..wah! Heavy man! Anyway I had fun praise God for mj(mingjie) wat a brother sial! Did I mention..John c got bodysurfed too..Ha ha ha!

yes I admit ..Feeling very ugly today ..Almost stayed at home & not go out!..Hate this feeling,really killing me..dunno wats going on..?

i was on my way back ..on the bus ..seated in my opposite direction was this devoted stern lookin lau beng father carrying his child..she is old enough to walk..but still,this luving dad carried her thro! man! u should see how he handle the kid..typical whinning kid! u can see his love,the way he pamper his child..so amazing to see a devoted stern lookin lau beng father being so soft..well,he look fierce sial!

i almost teared! something melt me inside..feelin sore too..why? have i not receive this b4..? maybe not..i'll never know..i think many of us r looking for love..acceptance,maybe belonging..it's so tough..i failed being happy today..i don't want to hide..

Saturday, October 18, 2003

i couldn't believe it..no inspiration to record..wasted a couple of hours sitting at my sofabed looking at the com..wah! me feeling crappy again..

i feel i'm not good enough..not just music..even meeting up people..yah! gals lah!
stop this crap about gals..why? hate to feel this way..i can't deny it exist....i can only resist..
hmm..hav teh with Shawn & Joe..as usual..it's always so good to have these dudes..brothers..lamesters! watever u call it lah! ha ha!

i was thinking..how will things be like when i go back to the kitchen line..cooking is fun..cooking a lot is not..+ one have to do a lot these days!

really cash not enough..me very sad! tried like my balls out to save..even get thrifty with myself..didn't turn out well..really such a failure..cus i use to save a lot more..get me pissed real bad! where's the Sy i know..? well,really trying soo freaking hard to be happy & chill..

i want to adopt good work attitude..cus God gave me job so i must appreciate..have been doing that thou somedays i fail..so what if i'm a book seller? i gonna take pride & do it..what more about music?.. i tried & still trying!

thesedays i realize no one wanna do those low jobs..like u know? well, what's these thing about jobs? making more cash means success? yes yes! a SIngapore thing rite? which S'pore CHIC don't mind a man that drives + cash ready somemore..? yah! they just want the man to provide their needs & thats all..i think it's just about the cash 1st then the man! or maybe chic just want everything..S'pore chics really want the high life..so strange! whats luv these days?
+ i know chics that r really capable..man a bit loser in some sense! not true thou! chics just not humble..+they want their way! great great!..

sorry i'm just feeling so unfair..misunderstood..why talk about chics? well, i'm not being a sexist lah! just me! really feel for some of the guys here! foreign talents r here to take away our chics! watever lah! take all they one..anyway i don't own any!

now i know why i jogged so much thesedays! some pain don't just go..sux man! how many wet pillow nites do i have to go thro?

GOD u r soo beautiful..u listen to my crap! man don't He give up? NO of course! HE's always there..always there to pick me up..sometimes i feel that he carry me..truely HIS footprints r all over! thank u ...

i'm soo tired..at 24..it feels so far so painful..i really want to cry my heart out so i'll feel better tommorrow! but i guess it's something i need to learn..thats why i'm alive..

Friday, October 17, 2003

hmm..met up with Jerome & Fugene..wah! have laksa at holland v..hmm,spicy coconut noodle thingy! if those who don't know..try it! then went for cheap ice cream at SWensen..woo! i've got some coupons that allows me to get it cheap! wah! ha ha ha!

today..i feel better,a little lack of sleep..as usual,sleep is the last thing i like to do! truely i enjoy running..i think it's therapy for the mind!yah body too!

oh! just realize that i got into a short film..yeah! i'm gonna be an indie film star!ha ha ha!

i want to walk along the lonely streets without turning back my head to see what's behind me..i want to fear no more & not feel alone..all i ask is that u hold my hand..i just want to walk with my eyes close..can i not open? i'm afraid to see the street..i'm afraid to see me..

in my quiet moments..silence is my comfort cos the wind speaks of HIM..

Thursday, October 16, 2003

How not to feel ugly everyday? Maybe I think too much..

well,me jogged about 5km..hmm,feeling very hot now..Really nice to jog..It really drains u & in return with a nice feeling thou!Well,I think I like pain..No lah!

sometimes I really wonder how to forgive a person when he did slept with yah love one? Or he wasn't there for u when u r young? How can u explain this?

I must say I did..Infact many times,,so much that I'm so drained thinking about it..Of course it's not me who forgive..It's the one that gives me luv to do it..

somedays I feel the pain..In my heart..These heartburns sux..I realize that it's sometime I've to go thro..So that I can luv the impossible..& accept myself..

how's it like to luv someone & let go..?Can U..Why would u want to do that?But I've done..Still think about it now & then..Crazy things happen to crazy people to do crazy things in life! hmm..Sounds damn rock man!!!

chill..At the end it's how much I walked with the maker..It's not how far I've walked!

Tuesday, October 14, 2003

Today's jammin was superb..Feel like a rockstar..2 stacks of Roland's jazz choruses,makes ya guitar wanna scream man! hmm,actually makes digital distortion sounds killa..wat a monster..Ha ha!

sux!!! me wanna take a holiday..like chillout for 2 months..Oh yah! Cash!..Eh!

morning was bad,me feeling pissed & all..Don't know why? Hated everything around me..Yes that includes people on the train..Maybe it's a Monday thing..Well well..

me & mom had our usual chat & I just realized that my mom had quite the same sad love story..She was also with a guy for 7 years & then the end..hmm,me also..Well thou I broke up with M..That doesn't mean it didn't hurt..F%^$!..Hurts man,till this day..I can feel it..Yah! I know she got a new guy..Loser me ,haven't got one..Ok! That's not the point! I'm not ready..So much of me i don't know..

i've to constantly forgive myself..i can't live to my expectations! i set my standard too high for my own good! have forgiven M sooo many times..i've tried going up for prayer in church! & till this day..i'm still prayng to forgive her..remember i was with M for 6years!..strangely,differences does have its attraction..

life is beautiful..even with whatever had happened..i found my voice,i found me....praise God..it's all timing..we just need to obey & wait..sometimes doing nothing & just wait is the best! to obey is one of the hardest thing..the fruit,the price..>patience..that's such an important gift..man there r a lot of things to learn..but i guess sometimes it's good to be single after all..i understand myself more!

oh! incase u wanna know..Bev is a part time cosmactics sales gal..she's charming man! that's why i got myself a bottle of toner ..ha ha ha!

Monday, October 13, 2003

1/got my new toy..Ha ha! My headphone distribution box..Great! 2/met my dad for a meal..Got a mark & Spencer voucher worth $100.. 3/ objective not met! Very sad! When down to see Bev..She's not working today..4/ went for a jog..Realize I've been running 4km ++ wah! Not bad man..Still can make it!..

a very lazy day indeed! Rainy for the past few days!hmm...

Sunday, October 12, 2003

Today spend the whole day record new stuff..As usual I record more than I watch the TV..Snacks..Drink Starbucks..wah! Even sleeping time also kenah ruin!

Question is..Why am I still here? Why can't I feel happiness,when I can see it?sux man..So numb these days! Feeling soooooo numb..Just in between joy & loneliness..It's a lot better thou! WAH! I WANT A HOLIDAY..DON'T WANT TO WORK..I NEED A BREAK..OH YAH! NO CASH..Really stoopid!

oh! Met Joe & Shawn for movie nite at shawn's place..Watched windtalker..Well,great evening..Feels good to be out for a while..

I looked at the mirror,I still hate myself..I know I am not suppose to..It's not about the way I looked,there's something inside..Burning,may I ask what it is....

Saturday, October 11, 2003

What a nite..Can't sleep..Went on friendster ha ha ha! Lonely I guess..Why is this world upside down? Friend use friend to get what they want?Brother kill brother..hmm! In this world to survive is to overthrow others..In order to get power..power=cash! sad huh! never understand this fallen world..to be true to myself,i would rather do music full time..it's me,it's inside..HATE to live a double life..daytime i'm this,nite time i'm that..what a cover?what a lie?

i've been working a couple of years now..how long must i be like that..where's me? some say Singapore has no music scene & our local talent sux! really..? what an insult to the thousands of musician who actually lived here or they might have left bcos no cares for & support local talents..ya ya! then they got foreign talents to snatch gals away from the local & leave a trail of spoilt gals wanting so much from the males in Singapore..oh! males in Singapore..the misunderstood..the heartache to pls the demands of their luv..of course there are pigs out there! i guess i'm speaking for the many..so pissed pissed pissed pissed pissed pissed pissed pissed..why?

am i not good enough! i'm not a loser..i'm a person with passion..with care..not this cash making monster..money is never enough! what is material wealth,when u can't bring it back with u when u die?

wah! feels soo good..i thought by having a dad that spends time with u when u are younger makes u a better person now..maybe ,thats a lie..true that he doesn't care much about me..a lie to know that it'll change me now..no! with or without him,i survive without alchol,cigarettes,womanising..etc hmm..i'm unlike him,amazingly..but i forgive him..i don't blame him..he's human..he fails..it's ok..it's ok!
Today..Woke up with soo much angst..Don't know why..Well,work is heavy today,but I think I was really slacking compared to my usual self..What is a good working attitude? I've try my best to be a good book sales person. Always giving attention also realize ,out of 10 Singaporean 3-5 will say thank you much for education..My bookstore is at the business district area..sux man! What is education after all..hmm!

reached home about 12am..After hanging out with Jerome&se guys..Started shaving my head,trimming it..Realize that it's the person inside that feels ugly..No matter how I style..I feel the same..It's inside..Well,at least I feel better,maybe it's a psychological thing..Eh! Whatever!

Thursday, October 09, 2003

what is a healthy meal?yah! Especially after a jog..Well,got myself tuna from a can..Add some herbs like oregano,thymes,basil..A all in one thing.then pan fry a instant prata(something like a pancake huh!)serve with a glass of chocolate milk..ma ma mia!

I carry my sadness today..With tiredness I dragged it to work..I kept putting Jesus in the picture..In my mind..Questioning why am I feeling this way?Don't want to think negatively..Nor would I want to lie..It's inside breathing & waiting..Pain,the angst..Where did it came from..Why is the boy inside angry?I jogged when I came back home,I feel so free..Alone too..But I know Jesus is beside me..He heals me,He cares..

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